Saturday 31 December 2011

How I Spent my Summer Vacation




Oh..hey Internet....I wasn't expecting you....but don't get me wrong, it's great to see you!  Come on in! In fact I was just sitting here reminiscing about my trip to the 'Peg this summer.  Let me tell you, Inty, it was quite a trip.  Take a load off, ease back, and let ole JJ tell you all about it. 2,500 word-style!

Thursday 29 December 2011

Sharecropping!

Howdy!  I know its been a long time since the last entry.  But I have been busy trying to get Pitbull (Mr. Worldwide!) to write a guest paragraph in one of my entries.  No, not really.  (Although the guy does do a lot of cameos...am I right?! When does he have time to buy those fab suits!?) I have just been too busy eating turtles (the chocolate kind! which my eldest calls Yertles!) peanut butter cups and drinking beer. 

Just a short one, but i ran across this the other day and had to post. Holy Moly, if I could tell stories like this cat... anyhoo...:



Anyways, hope y'all got what y'all wanted for Xmas, Inti.  I do.

Saturday 24 December 2011

Nonplussification!!!

Nonplussed hot dog!

Well, Internet, I was at Ikea a couple of weeks back.  Well, you know how they have different names for all their products. But like Swedish names, right?  For all I know "Hogbo" could mean "tool to exploit hyper capitalist western society for the greater glory of Sweden!" And yes it would take two seconds to look up on, well...you, but really, who gives a shit?

But they have some more conventional names as well.  And what do I see?  Heavens to Murgatroyd! JJ's name on a product! And what a product! Behold:



A ten dollar, piece of shit, metal and plastic folding chair.  Really!?  Really!? Don't they understand how awesome Jeffs are?  Or is this yet another example of "The Man" just trying to keep us Jeffs down?

Like what about a fold-out couch maybe!? I would be cool with that! Or maybe a wooden bed-frame? I would have preferred even a vase or some shit! But a chair I don't think my elementary school (Linwood!) would have made me sit in? 

I'm thinking of picketing outside the store.  That should get results.

Donezo!






Friday 23 December 2011

Stats!

Reading statistics is so much fun!  Just look at this gal!

Inty, It's been a while.  I know that.  You have probably been craving a JJ post.  I get that.  I am very entertaining, after all.  But hey, its the holiday season!  Lots going on! Ho! Ho! Ho! And whatnot!

But I have been feeling bad.  And I will tell you what is funny.  Ole Blogger allows keeps stats for you. So if lots of people are looking at Operation JJ, I can see that.  And if no one is looking, I can see that too.  Well, JJ isn't too interested in that kinda stuff.  I mean he (I?) writes for the art man! So he only checks his hits, like, 20 times a day.  Is that really funny?  Maybe not.

But, the worst thing is that the little charty thing it gives you downgrades when less people are reading.  It's like, OK! I get it!   Watching "2 and 1/2 Men" is much more interesting than reading the high art that is my blog!  (Shazam! Passive aggressive dis! Oh yeah! Plus Charlie Sheen!)

Which brings to mind...Inty, have you ever cruised through the "Blogger" blogs?

If I don't mind saying so, some patterns emerge.  Women.  Married with kids.  They like to blog.  Especially if they religious.  I was going to link to one, but of course now I can't find one.  I might just be bonkers.

But I saw one that disturbed ole' JJ.  Why?  Because it was fucking good.  And it was almost like I wrote it (Hence why I thought it was fucking good! Duh!) But the dude has laid off the blogging.  Why?  Did he get tired of it? And what does the guy do?  It's unclear.  Could be a sales rep at "The Source".  Could be a greeter at "Wal-mart".  I just dunno.

And what is Oh Pepper thinking these days?  Is he thinking that it was all a waste? For naught? I dunno.  Is that my future?  A picture of me dressed as Mario?

I guess we will see. But it's still fun.  Dagnabit.

So, in conclusion, I would just say that there is a long post regarding JJ's summer "vacation" coming, and that Blogger is telling me that "naught" is not (naught?) a word.  So I guess I need to buy it a dictionary. Because it's a word.

(Throws guitar down and walks off stage)

Sunday 18 December 2011

Not Today!!!

Huzzah!!!

Morning Inty! Nice to see you! What a pleasant surprise!  I was just thinking of you! Specifically, one of JJ’s favourite things to download from you.  Software updates!  It’s so exciting! Its free! What new features will I get!? How much better will the program work!?  Will it have a new look!? It’s like Christmas!  And when I download an update and it doesn’t work for some reason (Microsoft, I am looking at you!)….devastation.  All that excitement and anticipation…then…zippo.  Then need to search on the internet (you!) and spend the next couple of hours figuring out why it didn’t work, if I can (Why is it not recognizing that I need this fucking service pack!!!! ARGGHHH!! Murder!!!!!).  Although curiously there seems to less issues now that we have a Mac.  Coincidence…?

But you know what updates I love the best? Anti-virus updates.  You know how it makes me feel? Like this:

I can see in my mind all these bad guys out there solely dedicated to trying to break (“hackers!” JJ is down with the lingo!) into my computer.  Because I am pretty sure that is how it works.  And then imagining these jerkfaces being turned away because my vigilance in getting my last update!  Ha ha!  And you know what I say to myself when I think of it?  No, not “You shall not pass!”  Although that would be pretty good.  (And then if I did download a virus I could say “Fly, you fools!”. To myself.  I’m so cool.)  So what do I think of? Well, did you ever see the “Pepsi Club” commercial with Robert Stack?  No?  I don’t blame you, it was 14 years ago! But lucky for you I have embedded it below! At the 23 second mark, as Robert Stack defeats some would-be Pepsi thieves (with the help of his Pepsi club) you know what he says? You guessed it! “Not Today!!” 

It’s perfect.  He was was such a bad ass.   I’m right, right?  I’m right. 

And that the story of how I came to say what I say to all those a-holes trying to steal my identity and whatnot!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Monday 12 December 2011

Vince and the Watchmen

No! Not those Watchmen!  These guys:

Although I am not sure about dude in hat.  Unless they have hired Burton Cummings to play bass for them.  (Oh, and yes, I am very computerically skilled, as can be seen by my photoshop magic here.  When I was young I used to love figuring out how stuff worked. Now...who's got the fucking time?  Just work already!!!!!! Then I shake my cane at it.)

The Watchmen are originally from Winnipeg.  But since have moved to ole' Hogtown.  The lead singer even owned a restaurant.  The "Lakeview".  We have been a couple of times.  I had a burger.  It blew.  We moved on.  It's dead to me.  Plus...you know what?  Do. Not. Be. Fooled. No view of any lake...whatsoever. 

I saw the lead singer's short-lived new band around 2005 at a place called "The Horsehoe Tavern"  Gollee Gosh, I love that place. Especially bearded bartender dude.  He's awesome.  But the band was terrible.  In my opinion.  What am I, a critic? I am  a guy who willingly purchased the cassette single for Paula Abdul's "Rush, Rush" for eff's sake. 

But I don't want to talk about later Watchmen, I wanna talk about early Watchmen!  And the first time I saw them.

Sunday 11 December 2011

Ok! I have shown you the funniest music video ever. Now I'm showing you the saddest...



Warning! Parents may not want to watch this video!

Manipulative? Perhaps. Seemingly nothing to do with the song? Definitely. But Gosh Dang! That is some heartbreaking shit.

Thursday 8 December 2011

Do you know what's really great? Reality television!

Ha Ha! Inty, I am just kidding!  Reality television be the worst!  Bleah! Housewives! Bleah! Teens! I need a Parks & Rec injection!  Stat!!! Just like this:



The metaphor is me as Uma after watching 5 minutes of "Housewives of Wherever the Fuck" and Parks & Rec is in that needle.

And Eric Stoltz is just driving Mary Stuart Masterson to the party. 

Right? So fuckin' right.

Wednesday 7 December 2011

The Name Is.....


Hello Internet!  How the heck are you?

So, a friend of ole' JJ's says to him, he says "oh, I am on Facebook, we should be FB friends." But the dude is of the "secretive type" and doesn't go by his real name on FB.

So I am like "oh, so what's your alias?" Thinking that its going to be something, at best, so so.  I mean who is he...JJ? You know what I mean? (You know what I mean, "that JJ, he's so funny!")

So what's the alias?  Oh, he says...look up "Vic Zhivago".

Are you freaking kidding me?  "Vic Zhivago"?  That...is...the...baddest-ass...name I have ever heard.

"Zhivago! We need you."
"I'm retired.  What do you need me for?"
"Because you're the best..."

"Zhivagooooooo!!!!!"

"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Zhivago, I expect you to die..."

"The name is Zhivago...Vic Zhivago..."

"My name is my name!" (His name being Vic Zhivago, of course.)

So anyhoo, I told my friend,  if JJ ever writes an action movie screenplay (could happen! I mean, who knows what the future holds!) the protagonist's name?  That's right: "JJ".  No no, of course I mean "Vic Zhivago"! I mean, with a name like that? It writes itself!

Thanks for keeping it real, Internet! It's people (servers?) like you who keep us all turned on.

Friday 2 December 2011

Toy Story 3: The Story the Left Wing Media Doesn't Want You to Know About!


Well Internet, JJ (JJ!) will tell ya, when he saw Toy Story 3, the allegorical undertone smashed JJ over the head.  Big time!  Which is surprising, because while I might be smart enough, I am a guy who thought an allegory was some sort of aquatic reptile until I was about 25.  (BTW, spoiler alert! If you are one of last people on earth not to see the movie!)

Thursday 1 December 2011

Holy Crap! I lost my entire Post!

JJ put almost 4 hours into his magnum opus post last night and this morning.  Then it disappeared.  “Blogger!!!!”  Perhaps I shoulda gone with Wordpress.  If it happens again? I dunno…Guess I gotta migrate. 

And yes, that is exactly what I looked like this morning. 

Monday 21 November 2011

Raccoons...


If there's one thing Toronto's got lots of, its raccoons.  Raccoons here.  Raccoons there. Raccoons everywhere.  Our last place...every night, green bin overturned, foodstuffs all over the place.  Internet, you might not have seen the green bins TO provides you with to put your organic waste in.  About two feet high with a locking (sorta) metal handle on it.  This locking mechanism thing is child's play to a raccoon.  You can put bungee cords on if you want, after which the raccoons are happy to bust the lid for you. 

And, if you don't like it, you are absolutely not allowed to "deal" with raccoons on your own.  If you know what I mean.  TO is a humane type town.  Just ask this guy!  Relatively sure in Winnipeg it would be legal to throw one in a wood chipper if you wanted.  No no, I am sure that is not legal.  But I think you can kill it if its in your house ("It's comin right for us!")



So we moved to our new place.  And....nothing is trying to get into our green bin.  I know them raccoons are out there.  Their paw prints (and, from the smell, I am pretty sure worse) are all over the inside of my shed.  ("Boys! Keep outta that GD shed!" Parenting!) Which is great!  Right? 

But, to be honest, I just can't help feeling a little bit resentful.  Like...is my organic waste not good enough for you, raccoons?  Do we not buy enough organic stuff?  Is it because we buy some stuff at "No Frills" and not "Fiesta Farms"!?!?!? 

Raccoons are such assholes.

Sunday 20 November 2011

Well All Right JJ!


Two posts in one day? Are you mad, man? Who are you, Stephen King!?  Internet, I am sure that is what you are saying.  Ok, you are probably not saying that.  Or maybe you are.  Internet, you are such a bloody enigma.. I just can't figure you out!


The Wonders of Technology!


Well, JJ (JJ!)'s employer just moved into a brand spanking new building.  One of the technological wonders of the building is automatic soap dispensers.  Is it really that much of a convenience over pushing a pump?  Or that more sanitary?  Who am I to say?  I'll leave it to the philosophizeologists.  But what I CAN say is that they built the dispensers toooo close to the taps.  One doesn't have to be engineeritician to see that. As you run your hands under the tap, the soap dispenser, well,  dispenses.  Over and over again.  And the soap they use is this white creamy stuff.  Look at this dramatic reenactment video and tell me what it looks like.




Everytime I wash my hands its like I have wandered into a pornogrpahic movie.  At the "climax", so to speak.  If I had to guess at the model name of the dispenser, I would say  its called "The Ejaculator".

In an unrelated story, my hands are all dry and chapped for some reason.  (Get it?  Because I spend all day washing my hands! Is that a gay joke?  It's not supposed to be.  But could be construed that way maybe? He's saying he's gay.  Unless gay is bad, why is it funny?  But the angle is supposed to be more that I love pornography! Swearsies! Ok?  We cool? We're cool, right?)

Neither of my kids can read too well just yet.  Do I keep this post up once they can?  Open question.  But one can't write solely about Tombley Boos and Macapacas for Pete's Sake!

Friday 18 November 2011

The Number of the Beast!

Internet, have you ever seen the movie "The Reader"?  No its not the best movie ever.  I know that.  But there's one part that tends to stick with ole' JJ.  The protaganist goes to visit the woman in prison (If you haven't seen it, internet, the story is about a young boy in England who starts an affair with an older woman who turns out to be a a former death camp worker.  She gets arrested, tried and sent off to jail.  Ooohhhh good synopsis! I should write Disney books!).

So he visits her in prison and he is all "so have you thought about what you did...do you regret it? Do you feel bad about it?" 

And she says "What does it matter?  The dead are still dead."  Shazam!

Going to law school (has JJ mentioned he is a high-powered lawyer!? Easy ladies, JJ's a marred man! I mean married! Or do I  mean both...?) taught me that...intent matters very much in criminal law.  Actus reus - the act.  Mens Rea - the intent.  Without both, no indictable conviction.  (No, not needed for running a stop sign! Just for the real bad stuff!)

Under the rule of law, intent matters.  But what about the bigger picture?  How many things that harm are done without intent, yet still harm.  And is there any redemption in feeling bad about things one has done if feeling bad doesn't in any way repair the harm?  Does going around feeling bad about the shit things you have done make one any different from someone who does shit things and doesn't give a fuck? Aren't the effects the same to those affected by those shit things?

So, in conclusion, you are still not getting a signed Drake CD (are those even still a thing? Not Drake, I know that kid is on fire! But Cd's.  What do people sign otherwise?  A memory stick?) for X-mas. Hanukkah neither.


                                           Degrassi again!  Now he's not in a wheelchair?  And where the heck is Spike?
Plus I still  have a cat living in my house that I see once a week.  But hear at 3 am.

Monday 14 November 2011

Comments



Well, JJ's ole' place of employment has a blog of its own.  Not so much with the funny, but high on the informative.  And I think they got a blog consultant or something (btw...not JJ!) to help them craft these entries.  Which is great. Good idea!

And each entry ends with something like "what do you guys think?"...but nobody ever comments.  Every single time.

Now the people who write these entries? All well adjusted, self-confident folk.  Not insecure self-doubters like JJ.  So it's cool. 

But if JJ ever writes an entry in the work type blog ("Fat chance!  Get over yourself Hemingway!" you are thinking. But please, its just for argument's sake. Come on, work with me here.) you can bet that the last line of that entry is gonna be something like  "I am pretty sure I have fully covered things, so there's probably no point in commenting..." Otherwise, I just wouldn't be able to take that rejection!  I mean, damn!

So, in conclusion, Drake did an album signing today but I was not able to make it, so don't expect a signed CD for X-mas.
 
                     Yes, that's from Degrassi.  Which I have never watched, so I have no idea what this is about
JJ out!

Sunday 13 November 2011

"Time to Tumble!"



Ok, maybe one more link. But damn! This is quite simply: The. Funniest. Music Video. Ever. That's right. I said it. And you know what? That's not even subjectively speaking. That is ob-jec-tive. The guy on the Osborne bus would totally agree with me (you fellow law schoolies out there feel me?).

Bunch of dudes from Hamilton for Pete's sake! Not that there's anything wrong with that! Great town, I am sure! Steel! Tiger-Cats! Small airport!

Which, just to be clear, by no means means I endorse Bert's behaviour! For shame, Bert!

JJ out!

Saturday 12 November 2011

She was...she was only sixteen! She was only sixteen!



Linking to videos not not really my thing. Unless its of kittens playing, I really like those.

Anyhoo, this clip (can I finish?) just kills me. So screw it, I'm posting it!

I first watched it right before we went camping at Algonquin Park this summer, so the entire weekend, the wife was forced to endure me talking...(I'm not fucking finished!)...very...very...slowly.

Thursday 10 November 2011

Baaaaa!

Internet, you know what burns ole JJ's britches?

And no it's not animated sheep.  Love those! Especially Wallace and Grommett type animated sheep!

Its being treated like one.  Schneiders Country Naturals.   It helps my family experience food "the way its supposed to taste".  As opposed to those other companies that give you meat the way its not supposed to taste.  Like...Schneiders...  Like what could be more fucking disingenuous than, as an advertising technique, implicitly dissing a certain number of your own company's products look bad so that the featured product looks good.  And not in a way that is "oh, we used to do that, but now we do this" way.  If I want the nitrites and sodium whatchamacallits, I can just go six inches to the left of the "Country Naturals" in my local "No Frills" (Ontario only - terrible store - typically the cashiers serve you in between texting their friends. I wish I was exagerrating) and there they still are.  And not that I even particularly care whether their meat has unpronouncable chemicals in them or not.  I mean, what am I, a chemist!?  Its the disingenuousness of it.  And the suggestion that we, as the general public, are so gullible.

And I don't want to single out Schneider's.   These phone companies.  Gaak.  "Fido"?  "Koodo"?  "We're these small phone companies looking to get you a deal, unlike those big phone companies!"  Except that we're owned by Rogers and Telus, respectively.  While Canadians continue to pay phone bills that astound (astound! I shit you not! ASTOUUUUUND!) people from the US or Europe. 

But I guess it works. Otherwise they wouldn't do it.  So, you know...baaaahhh.....


                         Get it?  She's about to bop him with a leg of lamb...a baby sheep...it's a metaphor

JJ out!  Gotta make a call on my Rogers phone!

Sunday 6 November 2011

Children's books


Been reading a lot to my youngest recently.  I have to say, I am enjoying it a lot.  Not that I didn't enjoy reading to my older boy.  Of course I did.  But now...I am wiser. 

With the first, good ole' dad would say "Ok, what would you like to read?"  Then I would just let him choose whatever book he wanted.  This was how I ended up reading "Thomas is really scared for 30 pages but Sir Topham Hat was right after all!" about 1,000 times.  Guh.  And the absolute worst? As first time parents, we subscribed to some sort of disney book club.  Each month we would get a book based on a disney movie.  Now, you like the Disney movies?  Fine. I can dig it.  Hakunah matata and whatnot.  But  these freaking books? Horrible.  Soul crushing.  Ok, maybe that's too strong.  But man, they ain't good.  They take a two hour feature and write the story as basically a two hundred word summary of the script. 

                                                                           "Boo!"

The worst I can recall was "Hercules".  The ultimate battle at the end of the book was described as something like "Hercules fought really hard, and almost lost, but he remembered how much he loved so and so and that gave him the strength to win in the end."  That's the climax of the book.  I shit you not. 

So now...good ole' dad subtly frames the books to choose from.  "Well, E-man, what should we read, Robert Munsch or Dr. Suess?"  Yertle the Turtle?  Smelly Socks?  I can read that stuff forever!

So, in conclusion, kids are cool.

Monday 31 October 2011

Waterfront Marathon: Diary


                                                                         "Wahhh!"

Well, Internet, I dunno if you knew, but notwithstanding the local schooling' trials and tribulations over the last little while, ole' JJ did find time to run himself a marathon a couple of weeks ago.  

Sunday 30 October 2011

Random Thoughts!

1. Is Beyonce still African American? Because...yikes...  Michael Jackson would have some opinion on it.  Because he kinda turned his skin white.

2. My neighbor is outside playing street hockey with his kids at this time.  I wonder if I should report him?  It's illegal to play street hockey in Toronto.  Can you believe that?  It is illegal to play street hockey in a city in Canada.  What is more freaking Canadian than being out on the street with your buds midway through January, getting smoked in the thigh with a frozen orange street hockey ball, hoping that the fact that your jeans have absorbed so much melted snow that has refrozen into a sort of armour will be enough to protect you, then feeling that awful, awful sting? Travesty of a sham... Travesty.  Of. A. Sham.

3. The Edge has spent a career enhancing and altering the sounds that different musical instruments make.  I can't help but wonder if he, in recent years, has been onstage and looked to his left, pondered how the fullest and most incredible sound created by any of the instruments played by the band has degraded to a reedy rasp,  and not itched to get his technological hands on what now emanates from Bono's voicebox?  I don't want to be harsh here.  No shame in it, we all get older, things start degrading.  In fact, it hurts me a little to say.  But JJ calls it like he sees it (Straight shooter!).  Or maybe its just me.

4. As I pointed out in this post, I have now inherited a bidet.  I was sitting on the toilet the other day and wondering why my bathroom has no toilet paper holder.  And thinking to myself "WTF!...did these people not use toilet paper?!?!?.....OMG! Did these people really NOT use toilet paper!?!??...And looking horrified at my new bidet.  May be time to re-disinfect....

That is all!

Thursday 27 October 2011

The Climax!?


Before I start on latest developments in the Gabriel Saga....Tangent!  I was on a website today about whether its possible to make a living blogging.  I know...what a coincidence!  I start blogging, then somehow find myself on a website talking about how to make a living from blogging.  Truth is stranger than fiction, I guess.


Anyways, the absolute best part of this guy's advice: "you should be able to write something.  You can hire someone to do it for you, but that can get expensive."


Like: "hmmmm....I really want to start a blog...only problem is that I can't write for shit....hmmmm....maybe I can hire someone to do the writing for me....and I will do the other 1%". 


Fucking brilliant.  (As everyone reading this is saying to themselves...JJ...consider hiring a writer....)

Monday 24 October 2011

Fun with the TDSB!


Seriously,how great are you, Internet?  You really have a plethora of images!  I could not have thought this one up!

Anyhoo, as I said in my last post, this year has not begun well.  Massive anxiety, lots of meltdowns.  Believe it or not, a group formed among the parents in Gabriel's class determined to make the principal aware of "their concerns".  Through completely random serendipity, they came across a woman who specializes in child advocacy before they could take up their pitchforks and torches and head on over. She helped them draft a letter that was actually sympathetic towards our son, and encouraged that he be accommodated appropriately.  Then we spoke with her. She was incredibly nice and incredibly supportive.  And she suggested we write a letter too.  So. We. Did.  Ok, it was an email.  But we wrote it.  And we sent it.  So, I guess I thought I would post it.  And the response.  And the response's response.  Enjoy!  Or don't!  Up to you!

Sunday 23 October 2011

The Angel Gabriel

Note: Not sure I am up to this post.  Easier to try and be funny than talk "serious".  But pretty topical these days 'round these parts, so, internet, I ask for your forbearance regarding the poor writing.  As a band-aid solution, I have placed a MIDI version of "My Hometown" by Bruce Springsteen after the jump.  You may wish to press play as you read this post to let The Boss's tune paper over my lack of skill.

Tuesday 18 October 2011

Death Post


Hey, Internet, what's up?  You mind if I call you "Inty"?  That's cool, right?  You're cool with that, no?  All, right then.

Colleague's father just passed away, go me thinking and rethinking thoughts on death.

My sister passed away from something called "non-hogkins lymphoma" in 2002.  She was 36.  Left behind a husband and a three year old son.  My sister was was not a health nut, but ate healthy (when she was pregnant, she didn't eat potatoes because of something she had read indicating that could hurt her baby. Potatoes!).  Never smoked.  Drank moderately.  So it was very sad.

I remember telling a colleague about it at the time.   Older guy.  Fatherly type, super nice.  But not a big biller so not worthy of any respect. (Maaaaan, that's one thing I don't miss about that place.  Every month an email went around showing billable hours.  The whole culture was "you are a big biller or you are persona non grata".  Makes for a cold workplace.  BUT, lots of people thrive (thrive?) in such a system so who the fuck am I to say such nonsense?)

Anyhoo, I tell this guy about my sister's death in a way that is like "this is definitely the saddest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world."

And he says "yeah, that's pretty sad."

And I am like "yeah, the saddest story in the world!"

Him: "Yeah, pretty sad."

What was he really saying?  "Get over yourself .  It's all fucking sad."  I get it now.  None of it makes any fucking sense and its all equally sad.  It's not a contest.  And if it is a contest, you will lose, because you can always dig up a situation that's sadder.  Same things when my parents passed away in 2008 (dad) and 2009 (mom).  I had my parents until I was almost 40.  I should consider myself lucky.

BUT!

Even with that realization, when I hear that someone I know, who still has both parent's are still alive's grandparent died at 93 or something, my "blink" reaction is, I am sorry to admit, "what?!? are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck are you so broken up about!?  You should be dancing a fucking jig that they were around that long you lucky asshole! By the time I was 17 I had no grandparents at all, and by the time I was 40 I was missing 3/5ths of my immediate family!"  Then I ask them if they are ok and if there is anything I can do to help.  Because that's the way I roll.

Friday 14 October 2011

Why ain't JJ posting!?!?

AIIEE!!!

My greatest fear!  That I would start this stupid thing and immedately fall off doing it.  But it's not entirely my fault.  I signed on to be the treasurer of my son's playschool.  And by treasurer, apparently I mean bookkeeper.  Paying employees? Me.  Submitting source deductions? Me. Tracking the Fees?  Me.

You know what it's getting me looking like?

I am talking about the worm. Although I do have a big nose....

I do kinda have zealot eyes though, no doubt.  I gotta watch it in pictures.  Tone it down.  If I don't chill I look like wormy.


See! Look at those eyes!


The only thing missing is a bear and a rabbit.

I tried to find a picture of a zealot online but all I got was this:



Dead ringer! Last time I played Starcraft I assure you the Zealots looked nothing like this.  And I loaded the game on a tape drive. But I did love the Archons.  An Archon frying a Zerg....exquisite.

I have asked other people about how my eyes look in pictures.  But they all say that they look fine.  And then sign all their assets over to me.  And join me in my compund. 

And calling myself my old yahoo email signature of "hossadog"  but calling the blog "Operation JJ".  This might have been a n error in judgment.  But I am not giving up the blog title.  I love it.  Sounds like a heist movie.  "Could be a heist!" (Bill Needle!)

But do I change my "handle" to JJ?  I mean just two letters?  Too short, right?  It's a poser.  A real poser. Gotta cogitate on this one.

Me:

Saturday 8 October 2011

More Movin' in Pics!

Trying to get organized around this here new house.  The couple who last lived here were total sweethearts.  First generation immigrants from Portugal.  Their youngest son, in his 20's, was living in the basement.

They were moving to a condominium and ended up leaving all kinds of stuff for us.


Including, a kick-butt snow blower.  Look at this baby! 5 HP!


And I need it too! Look at this driveway!


Shovelling that could take me like 20 minutes!

And, honestly , I have not the slightest idea where I am supposed to aim any snow that I blow.


This box just made me feel inadequate, as a man.  If my life depended on it, I would have no idea where on a car this piece is supposed to go.


"See these? You put your weed in here...."

By the way, one of the stray cats (Brian Setzer!)  born behind my shed is now living somewhere in my house. We never see her/him, but he/she is currently meowing her head off.  

Tuesday 4 October 2011

Moving in! Photo Gallery!

Well, we are all moved in to the new house.  Was just thinking that you, Internet, as my new BFF, would like to see a few pics.  Well, happy to oblige!


Here we go!

Stairs!  There was carpet here.  It smelled of "eau de wet dog".  It is gone.  Luckily, there were only about 2,000 staples holding it to the stairs.

The upstairs hallway!  My eldest spent most of the weekend riding up and down this hallway on his Big Wheel, repeating the word "redrum" over and over. But, you know, no big whoop, The way I figure it, kids adapt to new places in different ways.

Luxury!  Hot wings, meet your nemesis! Although did have a couple of tense moments with the boys, as they pursed their lips above this contraption, excited to try the new water fountain. "Noooooooo!",  I think may have been my exact words.

                                     Woof! Woof!  Alls I know is that that puppy is not going anywhere!

This...this...is coming down.  But, no worries, we can always put up again if we catch somebody rustling some of our cattle. 
The shed in the background...our home inspector opens the door...sniffs...and says..."vermin. Vermin have been in here...."  So anways, I think that's coming down.  But the wife found a family of kittens behind there!  She then killed the entire family with a pellet gun while making the boys watch, just to imprint on them the harshness of life.  By which I mean to say that she bought a bunch of cat food and put it ouside with a bowl of milk and a bunch of blankets.

The toilet!  Ok, ok, that's not my place, it's actually the Toad in Winnipeg.  But what guy doesn't love the trough toilet?  So communal!  "How are you tonight, sir?" "I am very well, thank you!"  Takes one right back to the days of the Winnipeg Arena!


The....facade.... and no, you can't have any of my satellite dishes.  I need them all. All. Of. Them. 

Sunday 2 October 2011

Don't give up on Hossy just yet!



Howdy guys.  Jim Anchower rapping at ya.  Just kidding. Blast from the past!  I miss ole' Jimmy.

Anyhoo, been a pretty busy last couple of days.  Just moved to a new pad!.  And it's inner city Toronto so you know the price was reasonable!  And the best part was the separate land transfer tax that TO is nice enough to charge, on top of the provincial one. 

Got some good pics of the new joint.  Gonna do an entry tomorrow on it (teaser!). But been too busy unpacking, by which I mean I have been punishing those damn green pigs that stole my eggs.

Before we moved, I called my good friends over at Rogers to tell them we were moving.  I also asked whether, since our one year contract was up, they could do a little somethin' somethin' for me.  Oh yeah, we can give you HD and as many tvs as I want in my house, for $11 less than what I was currently paying.  Now, am I supposed to be happy at this, or infuriated that they didn't do it automatically?  (The answer is b. infuriated...ok maybe not "supposed to be", but I was).

Honestly, I know, Internet, that you do not live in TO, so I am gonna tell you what the Rogers buildings look like. First, they are more of a compound than a group of buildings.  It is on Ted Rogers Way.  You know what kind of Juice you need to have a "way" named after you in downtown TO?  Neither do I, but I am sure it's a shit-ton.  Second, the main building looks almost like a castle, where us serfs can come and genuflect to the king.  On a clear day, you can see the executives looking out and laughing at us while we pay our "service access fees".  It's quite disturbing really.

My son goes to the same school as the son of Master T.  It's kind of jarring to see the guy (Master T, that is, not his son), even after like 10 times.  But the thing is that you, Internet, probably have no idea who Master T is.  So it's kind of doubly bizarre, in that there is this person who used to have some level of fame and that I still recognize, but that I can't comment on with anyone else, because they all say "who? You mean Sook Yin Lee?".  But, since you are asking, Internet, Master T was a vee jay on Much back in the day and hosted something called "extendamix". 

So in conclusion, I say this: Kirk Gibson is the Arizona Diamondback's Manager!? Dang.

Tuesday 27 September 2011

BB Tragedy

It looks sorta like this...but probably worse...I would take a picture, but my blackberry is my camera!


So, last Sunday I went for a loong run.  Got a marathon coming up, actually.  Had a training schedule.  That went out the window after about two weeks.  Anyhoo.... run was going great, felt good...then about k 26...legs leaden...stumble over a curb...drop my bb.  I know, I know, why are you carrying your bb?  I am just used to having it, I guess.  Dumb I know.  Plus its heavy and big, so I can put it in shorts pocket and have to carry it.  Usually I carry in case but this time I forgot case and figured, "ah, no big deal..."


So I drop it, right on its face and it's just lying there....And I know it's not good.  3 months old.  Pick it up....face....shattered.


You, Internet, may be saying, "oh, that's bad luck!".  But At this point I think one has to accept that maybe there is more going on here.  My first bb, the curve, back in Winnipeg.  I am distracted, because the firm "retreat"  (Gimli!) is the next day and I have to make sure I have brought everything I need as I am working on a file.  So...I am leaving and run across Main street      to catch my bus home.  I look back and I see something on the road.  "Is that a blackberry?" I says to myself.  "That's weird." I figure I better check my back pack for my blackberry "just in case".  Pocket I keep blackberry in unzipped...feel inside frantically...nothing.  It's ok, though, I will just run out and get it...cars coming, one drives right over it.  


I run out to get it, cradling it in my arms...it looks fine, in the case (there were actual tread marks on the case.  I can laugh about that now...sorta).   I pull it out of the case and it looks ok ("it's still good, it's still good...") The face is just a little cracked (It's still good, it's still good...") Try to turn it on...nothing ("It's gone, dad." "I know.")


So I bought a blackberry pearl as a replacement.  The pearl does not have a full key board but it is supposed to "learn" from what you are frequently typing so that the full key board is not necessary.  That is bull shit.  I was sending lots of emails to somebody named Lincoln at the time.  Linc for short.  Every single time..."Lunc".  "Hey Lunc,..." I had to get another one before I threw it out the window.  Ironically, I still have the pearl and it's in fine shape.


So...bottom line, don't lend me your smartphone.   Unless I ask really nicely. Plus this post was kinda aimless. Sorry.

Saturday 24 September 2011

Zoo Run Diary 2011!


Well, ran the 2011 zoo run today.  Worst 10k I have run. "But, Hossy, why was it so bad?", you are probably not* asking.  Well, Internet, it's nice of you to ask. Let me recap.


*who doesn't love the strikethrough by the way?


1st! - I didn't try to sign up until week before the race. It was sold out, so I bought the bib from someone on a Running Room forum.  Awesome.  Except the bib had already been made and identified the runner as "Gayle".  Although I am lucky in that the woman I did buy it from didn't ask for her email ID to be put on the bib, as I am not sure how the ladies on the course would have reacted to a guy with a bib identifying himself as the "Tantalizer".  


Luckily we have a sharpie at home, and, as you can see, I was able to seamlessly transfer the bib to my name.  The best part of having the bib was at one point during the race there was a spectator cheering everyone by name.  She was saying "go Daniel!, go Stephen!, go..uhhh...keep going, woooh!"  Actually, as I write this, maybe this part wasn't so bad after all.


2nd!  I am still getting used to Toronto.  One thing that absolutely takes getting used to is that if you are doing any event, so are a million other people.  No matter what the event may be.  So I left home an hour before the race, as it takes about 25 minutes to drive to the zoo.  Lots of time!  So I get off the highway exit and....




I finally get to park and, as I leap out of the car, I hear the gun for the first wave, my wave, go off.  But...not disaster, as this race has a staggered start so I will just run the next wave in five minutes!


3rd! So I hustle to the start hoping I have everything.  And I kinda need to pee.  Porto-potties....massive line, no go. Check that I have everything - Bib, watch, power gel....(uh oh)...



The forgotten power gel, after the race.  Look at it there, just mocking me..."look at me, so full of energy..."


Fuck.  Just fuck.  Ok.  Not the end of the world.  Gotta pee kinda and no gel.  Two minutes to start time.  Stretch!  Turn on super satellite watch.  Takes a while to get a satellite reading and gets one faster if you stand still, so good to turn on now.  


I stand in place stretching and hear "30 seconds!"....check my watch...it's off.  Sharp intake of breath..."Fuuuuuuck."  Turn it on, thinking "30 seconds might be long enough, maybe....never has before, but...".


Gun goes off.  "Well it will probably get a signal shortly after I start."


Not problematic: Beautiful run.  See zebras and giraffes.  Problematic: super satellite watch...no signal...no signal...asking me "are you indoors?"...no signal...




"Hey Buddy, you don't happen to have a power gel do you? No?  That's ok, don't worry about it, thanks anyways.  I'll ask the zebras." (note: this is not my photo. I didn't take my phone with me.  Although now I kinda wish I had, as it couldn't have hurt my time too much. But photo IS TO zoo.)
And the best are the arctic wolves.  I dunno why.  Just personal preference.  But they are out in force, and real purty.


                                   They looked like this, but...you know...awake. (Not my photo!)
4th! And by far the worst!   Right around kilometre 9, (Update on super satellite watch...no signal....) running hard, feeling good...blllooouuurrpp!....


Tangent!


Now to tell you this part of the story, Internet, I am gonna have to tell you another story.  Way back in Ottawa, Hoss used to run to work.  One night, on a night pre-children, He was out with wife and friends eating nachos and hot wings and drinking beer.  The next morning, as he was running to work (bounce...bounce...bounce) something odd started happening downstairs..(bounce...bounce...bounce).  Blooourp!....Blurp!...Blooooooourp!....Cramp!....My guts!  I figured it was ok, I could make it to work. Kept running.  It was not ok.  It was the diametric opposite of ok.  


The fact that there was a construction site with a porto-potty right after the bridge over the Rideau River saved me from being arrested for pooping on the street in downtown Ottawa.  Unfortunately, the shorts I was wearing under my running pants had to be sacrificed for the cause (R.I.P.) (I, flustered, without thinking, tossed them down the hole, then began reaching down for them before asking myself just what the hell I was doing).  Oh and by the way I think I am pretty brave for telling this story on behalf of all sensitively boweled runners out there!


Well, ever since "the incident" I have tried to be careful when I run, especially races.  Never wear a hydration belt (too bowel squishing!), never eat greasy spicy food the night before a morning run and always, always do a number 2 beforehand.  


Back to 2011!


I haven't been running too many races lately and am out of normal routine.  Thus, I broke one of the cardinal rules and did not think to sit on the potty this a.m.


Back to km 9!


Blooourp.....I have been here before....as the first "bloourp" hits, I am running past a bathroom.  To paraphrase Robert Munsch, the inner dialogue at that moment went something like "It's not that bad, I can run another kilometre can't I? Oh, yes, yes, yes, I can run another kilometre."  


....Bloop.....blooourp....(beginning to look around frantically for a bathroom) ...bllllllooourp...."gahhhh"....(sweat forming on brow (not running sweat, "I am gonna shit my pants" sweat))...."unghhh".


150 metres left...all that's in my head is that I am going to end up as a post in Deadspin as I poop myself in front of everyone at the finish line.  As I come around a bend I see, appearing in front of me, salvation!  In the form of a beautiful blue pillar with a white top.  It's a construction site!  The potty is behind a makeshift wooden fence with orange plastic mesh stapled to it.  I run directly to the fence and jump up on it to hop over as I say to the race volunteer "sorry, I gotta go".   Unstable temporary fencing, no go!  The run volunteer offers, helpfully, "there's a bathroom right after the finish line...(trailing off as I ignore him and continue to try and navigate the fence)... I don't think you're...supposed...to use...that one...  


Now, a couple of points on this...one: the bathroom he was referring to was, in actuality, quite far past the finish line and there was a fucking line up, so I am extremely glad I didn't wait because that would not have worked at all.  Two: hey man, what do you think is going on here?  100 metres left in a race and I am stopping in front of you and all these spectators to hop a rickety fence in order to obviously take a shit?  You really think I would do so if it wasn't a Defcon 4 situation? "Well, I don't really haaaaavvve to, but I just want to see if  I can squeeze something out."  Three...please don't take this to mean I am not a rule abiding-type guy.  I don't walk around thinking rules apply to everyone but me.  But believe me, this was a speeding to the hospital because the wife is in labour dealie.  I would have gladly accepted a police escort, if offered. 


I choose an alternate part of the fence and hop up...I hear a bad "craaack!" sound..."uh oh"...but it holds, and I am over and in and yes!  Sweeet, sweeet relief.  My goodness. Everything I imagined it would be. 


And then done and ready to run the final100 metres!  Sprint to the same part of the fence I hopped in on and hop up..."Craaaack!"...and I am down, lying on the ground, amidst the ruins of the particular fence section. Helpful race volunteer: "Uhhhhh, are you ok, man?"  


Me!: "Yes, I am good! Sorry about the fence! If there's a problem, remember my bib ("Gayle!")!


So I finish the race.  Woohoo.  Crap time (no pun intended, haha!).  And then my time is not adjusted for starting in the second wave so it's 5 minutes slower!  


I am eating a cookie after the race and glance at my super satellite watch.  "Acquired Signal!" Sigh.


But the race shirt is North Face, so that's pretty sweet.  Plus the course director is my neighbour so I emailed him and asked that my time be adjusted to the second wave, (not for myself, but to ensure that my blog followers are not too disappointed!).  And it gave me something to write about!


Phew.... That was pretty long.  Sorry.  Lucky it wasn't a marathon I guess!


Hoss Out!


Update!


My neighbour told me, and I am paraphrasing here, to go jump in the lake.  And rightfully so!  I just hope, Internet, that ole' Hoss has learned his lesson.