Friday, 3 May 2013

On the Defriending - or - JJ, don't be sad, 'cause one out three ain't bad...


Hello!  Hey! This isn't about Costa Rica?  Nope!  Although I do have one more Costa Rica post in me!

This about friends.  And the loss thereof.  

When the ex and I entered splitsville, I tried to be realistic.  I was pretty sure that the entire group of friends was not going to stay friends with both of us.  Certainly, there was group of friends that you would consider closer to her than to me.  And vice versa.  And I tried to prepare myself for that.  "Steel myself", if you will.  "JJ, you will likely not have further contact with these people." 

And I think I did that.  Even though in some ways its complicated because we went to high school together.  So I have known some of the friend group, even some of them who would be considered "closer to her", a really long time.  Longer than I have known the ex.  Some since I was five years old.  Or younger.  

But I felt I was prepared for that.  

But I screwed up.  Because I didn't see how off the rails this thing might go.  And I didn't account for the possibility that these same friends would think that I am a "bad person".  No contact? Yes.  Bad person? No.  

It's like, you are in the dark.  You don't know what's happening.  And then you get the news that so and so thinks you are a bad person for the "bad stuff" you did.  And you don't know what the "bad stuff" even is.  Just that it's bad, and that's the reason.  How can you even defend yourself against that? 

Like, is it "he abandoned his family so he could go get laid"?  Is it worse?  A lot worse?  "Get laid and smoke crack"?   Or is it as simple as the fact that we the ex and I split up at all?  Don't know cause.  Just effect.

And it fucking hurts.  Because I am not a bad person.  Look, I don't want to sound too egotistical, but you know what? I'm a nice guy! Yes!  I am!  It's part of my persona!  "That JJ...he's so nice..."  That's what people (used to) say about me...  You know why?  Because its true!

And why the ex and I split up?  It was not because I wanted to go sow my wild oats.  Or "party".  Or didn't want to be a father anymore.  Nothing to do with anything like that.  In fact, hands down, the hardest part of this whole thing has been not seeing G-man and E-man every day.  Hands down.

So it hurts to think that people are thinking that of you.

And what hurts worse? These people fucking know me.  They know what kind of guy I am.  They have seen me with the boys.  They have seen me with the ex while we were together.  How I treated her.  But I don't get any leeway?  I get no benefit of the doubt?  No goodwill?  They will believe that I am doing or have done terrible things (whatever those things might I said, I don't know!)?  Somehow I just changed? And now I am a turd?

And you hear that that's how a couple of people feel.  And then you wonder how many other people might be feeling the same.

And that's where FB comes in.  Because I am on it.  And she is on it.  And you can friend someone.  And you can defriend someone.   And if you want to defriend someone, you don't have to explain it.  You don't have to tell that person why you are defriending them, no awkwardness.  Just click that button.  Which is fine!  I get it.  I have partaken!  Easy Peasy!

And, as I said, I expected that I wouldn't be still having contact with some of these folks.  And fully expected that part of the contact ceasing would be through being defriended on FB.  But I guess I thought it would be "well, I want to be loyal to her,", and not "this guy is a dirtbag,"

So when the defriending began, and it didn't for a while, but it did begin, I didn't know what to do.  What to think.  Were they "loyalty" defriendings?  Or "dirtbag" defriendings?  Do I assume the best? Which I am ok with? Or assume the worst? Which feels like a knife in my guts.

And I was sitting there, last week, kinda stewing on it.   And I was thinking "hmmm...maybe I should write a post about how I am feeling..."  But then I thought, "Fuck, JJ, you know who they are, don't write a post about it, write the people themselves. Find out! Maybe it's all loyalty based and you are getting the benefit of the doubt!"  

But what if its not loyalty based, its dirtbag based? Would it be better to not just think that it might be the case, but KNOW that it IS the case?  

I didn't know. But I sure fucking hated thinking just that it MIGHT be the case.  

So I did it.  Settled on three people.  Figured if the answers were all going to be "dirtbag", three was probably a good limit.  But three people I really liked.  And respected.  And I wrote 'em.  FB message to non-FB-friend. And I just said what was on my mind.  That it would hurt to find out that they hated me.  And that, if they ever heard anything negative about me, with respect to the split, to remember me.  To remember any interaction that they and I had ever had.  To remember that I love the boys more than anything in the entire world.  And to remember everything they knew about me before I was separated.  And to base their view of me on that.  

That was on Sunday.

And....the next one responded.  FB is nice and shows you if people have seen your messages.  They were seen.   And the next day... no one responded.  

Wednesday... no one responded... (hmmmm...regretting things a bit at this point.  "Maybe putting yourself out there wasn't a great idea, JJ...'cause actually this does suck worse than not knowing...")

Then, on Thursday, I got a notification.  A message in my inbox.  "Hey, judgment...know you love boys...don't hate you in least..."

And, I will tell you like I told her...

It made my fucking month.  Thanks, Fellini.

JJ out.


  1. Been there; done dat. Good riddance to some of them.

    1. If this was Facebook, I would "like" that comment, Roy!