Saturday 31 December 2011

How I Spent my Summer Vacation




Oh..hey Internet....I wasn't expecting you....but don't get me wrong, it's great to see you!  Come on in! In fact I was just sitting here reminiscing about my trip to the 'Peg this summer.  Let me tell you, Inty, it was quite a trip.  Take a load off, ease back, and let ole JJ tell you all about it. 2,500 word-style!

Thursday 29 December 2011

Sharecropping!

Howdy!  I know its been a long time since the last entry.  But I have been busy trying to get Pitbull (Mr. Worldwide!) to write a guest paragraph in one of my entries.  No, not really.  (Although the guy does do a lot of cameos...am I right?! When does he have time to buy those fab suits!?) I have just been too busy eating turtles (the chocolate kind! which my eldest calls Yertles!) peanut butter cups and drinking beer. 

Just a short one, but i ran across this the other day and had to post. Holy Moly, if I could tell stories like this cat... anyhoo...:



Anyways, hope y'all got what y'all wanted for Xmas, Inti.  I do.

Saturday 24 December 2011

Nonplussification!!!

Nonplussed hot dog!

Well, Internet, I was at Ikea a couple of weeks back.  Well, you know how they have different names for all their products. But like Swedish names, right?  For all I know "Hogbo" could mean "tool to exploit hyper capitalist western society for the greater glory of Sweden!" And yes it would take two seconds to look up on, well...you, but really, who gives a shit?

But they have some more conventional names as well.  And what do I see?  Heavens to Murgatroyd! JJ's name on a product! And what a product! Behold:



A ten dollar, piece of shit, metal and plastic folding chair.  Really!?  Really!? Don't they understand how awesome Jeffs are?  Or is this yet another example of "The Man" just trying to keep us Jeffs down?

Like what about a fold-out couch maybe!? I would be cool with that! Or maybe a wooden bed-frame? I would have preferred even a vase or some shit! But a chair I don't think my elementary school (Linwood!) would have made me sit in? 

I'm thinking of picketing outside the store.  That should get results.

Donezo!






Friday 23 December 2011

Stats!

Reading statistics is so much fun!  Just look at this gal!

Inty, It's been a while.  I know that.  You have probably been craving a JJ post.  I get that.  I am very entertaining, after all.  But hey, its the holiday season!  Lots going on! Ho! Ho! Ho! And whatnot!

But I have been feeling bad.  And I will tell you what is funny.  Ole Blogger allows keeps stats for you. So if lots of people are looking at Operation JJ, I can see that.  And if no one is looking, I can see that too.  Well, JJ isn't too interested in that kinda stuff.  I mean he (I?) writes for the art man! So he only checks his hits, like, 20 times a day.  Is that really funny?  Maybe not.

But, the worst thing is that the little charty thing it gives you downgrades when less people are reading.  It's like, OK! I get it!   Watching "2 and 1/2 Men" is much more interesting than reading the high art that is my blog!  (Shazam! Passive aggressive dis! Oh yeah! Plus Charlie Sheen!)

Which brings to mind...Inty, have you ever cruised through the "Blogger" blogs?

If I don't mind saying so, some patterns emerge.  Women.  Married with kids.  They like to blog.  Especially if they religious.  I was going to link to one, but of course now I can't find one.  I might just be bonkers.

But I saw one that disturbed ole' JJ.  Why?  Because it was fucking good.  And it was almost like I wrote it (Hence why I thought it was fucking good! Duh!) But the dude has laid off the blogging.  Why?  Did he get tired of it? And what does the guy do?  It's unclear.  Could be a sales rep at "The Source".  Could be a greeter at "Wal-mart".  I just dunno.

And what is Oh Pepper thinking these days?  Is he thinking that it was all a waste? For naught? I dunno.  Is that my future?  A picture of me dressed as Mario?

I guess we will see. But it's still fun.  Dagnabit.

So, in conclusion, I would just say that there is a long post regarding JJ's summer "vacation" coming, and that Blogger is telling me that "naught" is not (naught?) a word.  So I guess I need to buy it a dictionary. Because it's a word.

(Throws guitar down and walks off stage)

Sunday 18 December 2011

Not Today!!!

Huzzah!!!

Morning Inty! Nice to see you! What a pleasant surprise!  I was just thinking of you! Specifically, one of JJ’s favourite things to download from you.  Software updates!  It’s so exciting! Its free! What new features will I get!? How much better will the program work!?  Will it have a new look!? It’s like Christmas!  And when I download an update and it doesn’t work for some reason (Microsoft, I am looking at you!)….devastation.  All that excitement and anticipation…then…zippo.  Then need to search on the internet (you!) and spend the next couple of hours figuring out why it didn’t work, if I can (Why is it not recognizing that I need this fucking service pack!!!! ARGGHHH!! Murder!!!!!).  Although curiously there seems to less issues now that we have a Mac.  Coincidence…?

But you know what updates I love the best? Anti-virus updates.  You know how it makes me feel? Like this:

I can see in my mind all these bad guys out there solely dedicated to trying to break (“hackers!” JJ is down with the lingo!) into my computer.  Because I am pretty sure that is how it works.  And then imagining these jerkfaces being turned away because my vigilance in getting my last update!  Ha ha!  And you know what I say to myself when I think of it?  No, not “You shall not pass!”  Although that would be pretty good.  (And then if I did download a virus I could say “Fly, you fools!”. To myself.  I’m so cool.)  So what do I think of? Well, did you ever see the “Pepsi Club” commercial with Robert Stack?  No?  I don’t blame you, it was 14 years ago! But lucky for you I have embedded it below! At the 23 second mark, as Robert Stack defeats some would-be Pepsi thieves (with the help of his Pepsi club) you know what he says? You guessed it! “Not Today!!” 

It’s perfect.  He was was such a bad ass.   I’m right, right?  I’m right. 

And that the story of how I came to say what I say to all those a-holes trying to steal my identity and whatnot!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Monday 12 December 2011

Vince and the Watchmen

No! Not those Watchmen!  These guys:

Although I am not sure about dude in hat.  Unless they have hired Burton Cummings to play bass for them.  (Oh, and yes, I am very computerically skilled, as can be seen by my photoshop magic here.  When I was young I used to love figuring out how stuff worked. Now...who's got the fucking time?  Just work already!!!!!! Then I shake my cane at it.)

The Watchmen are originally from Winnipeg.  But since have moved to ole' Hogtown.  The lead singer even owned a restaurant.  The "Lakeview".  We have been a couple of times.  I had a burger.  It blew.  We moved on.  It's dead to me.  Plus...you know what?  Do. Not. Be. Fooled. No view of any lake...whatsoever. 

I saw the lead singer's short-lived new band around 2005 at a place called "The Horsehoe Tavern"  Gollee Gosh, I love that place. Especially bearded bartender dude.  He's awesome.  But the band was terrible.  In my opinion.  What am I, a critic? I am  a guy who willingly purchased the cassette single for Paula Abdul's "Rush, Rush" for eff's sake. 

But I don't want to talk about later Watchmen, I wanna talk about early Watchmen!  And the first time I saw them.

Sunday 11 December 2011

Ok! I have shown you the funniest music video ever. Now I'm showing you the saddest...



Warning! Parents may not want to watch this video!

Manipulative? Perhaps. Seemingly nothing to do with the song? Definitely. But Gosh Dang! That is some heartbreaking shit.

Thursday 8 December 2011

Do you know what's really great? Reality television!

Ha Ha! Inty, I am just kidding!  Reality television be the worst!  Bleah! Housewives! Bleah! Teens! I need a Parks & Rec injection!  Stat!!! Just like this:



The metaphor is me as Uma after watching 5 minutes of "Housewives of Wherever the Fuck" and Parks & Rec is in that needle.

And Eric Stoltz is just driving Mary Stuart Masterson to the party. 

Right? So fuckin' right.

Wednesday 7 December 2011

The Name Is.....


Hello Internet!  How the heck are you?

So, a friend of ole' JJ's says to him, he says "oh, I am on Facebook, we should be FB friends." But the dude is of the "secretive type" and doesn't go by his real name on FB.

So I am like "oh, so what's your alias?" Thinking that its going to be something, at best, so so.  I mean who is he...JJ? You know what I mean? (You know what I mean, "that JJ, he's so funny!")

So what's the alias?  Oh, he says...look up "Vic Zhivago".

Are you freaking kidding me?  "Vic Zhivago"?  That...is...the...baddest-ass...name I have ever heard.

"Zhivago! We need you."
"I'm retired.  What do you need me for?"
"Because you're the best..."

"Zhivagooooooo!!!!!"

"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, Zhivago, I expect you to die..."

"The name is Zhivago...Vic Zhivago..."

"My name is my name!" (His name being Vic Zhivago, of course.)

So anyhoo, I told my friend,  if JJ ever writes an action movie screenplay (could happen! I mean, who knows what the future holds!) the protagonist's name?  That's right: "JJ".  No no, of course I mean "Vic Zhivago"! I mean, with a name like that? It writes itself!

Thanks for keeping it real, Internet! It's people (servers?) like you who keep us all turned on.

Friday 2 December 2011

Toy Story 3: The Story the Left Wing Media Doesn't Want You to Know About!


Well Internet, JJ (JJ!) will tell ya, when he saw Toy Story 3, the allegorical undertone smashed JJ over the head.  Big time!  Which is surprising, because while I might be smart enough, I am a guy who thought an allegory was some sort of aquatic reptile until I was about 25.  (BTW, spoiler alert! If you are one of last people on earth not to see the movie!)

Thursday 1 December 2011

Holy Crap! I lost my entire Post!

JJ put almost 4 hours into his magnum opus post last night and this morning.  Then it disappeared.  “Blogger!!!!”  Perhaps I shoulda gone with Wordpress.  If it happens again? I dunno…Guess I gotta migrate. 

And yes, that is exactly what I looked like this morning.