The Wolsely Elm - "One Great City, I mean Elm!"

Beep! Beep! Outa the way, tree! Trying to drive without my seatbelt here!

While smoking! And drinking! And pregnant!

Well hello, Internet.  Just sitting here wondering if you have heard of the "Wolsely Elm".  No?  Well, ole' JJ, storyteller that he is, is gonna tell you about it.  Now, anybody else reading this may have heard the story of the Wolsely Elm on the Vinyl Cafe on CBC.  And of course, ole' JJ is not trying to compete with Stewie McLean on the story-telling front.  The guy could bring tears to the eyes telling you about Marley cutting her toenails or some such.  "It was a hangnail, she thought..."

The world According to JJ (JJ!)....plus...Capitalism

Well, Internet JJ (JJ!)'s gotta apologize.  I don't really want to talk no politics.  Why? Well, to a large extent because JJ.  Just. Ain't. That. Smart.  I am happy to let the smart folks figurafy on this stuff.  But the "occupy such and such" folks seem to really have put some bees in some bonnets.  Makes one just want to talk about how they feel. In a rambling, nonsensical rant!

Winter Concert

"Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."

That's the oath (motto?) of the Special Olympics.  Or at least it was.  Go on their website, and it's not there.  So maybe it's not the oath (motto?) anymore.  But it was.  I have to say there is something that doesn't sit too well with ole' JJ about that oath (motto?).

I mean, doesn't it sound a little "ohhh, you're disabled! That's so terrible! But you are trying to do this sport anyways! You're so brave! Brings tears to my eyes that you can even get out of bed, you poor thing!" Condescending, I guess.

Nostalgia

That's Coldplay's video for Strawberry Swing.  Yes, it's super creative and original and Chris whatshisface is super cool and "dreamy" and Gwyneth Paltrow appears to be some sort of super entitled egomaniacal nutjob and blah blah blah.  But I don't want to talk about any of that!  In fact, don't even watch the video!  Or open another window on Gwyneth's "Goop" website to experience her nutjobbidity! (And no I am not going to link to Goop,  I am sure you can figure out how to get there.)  Just listen to the song1

This song has to be the most nostalgia inducing song I have ever heard.  Even more than "Cat's in the Cradle"! The Ugly Kid Joe version! Or "Night Moves" by Bob Seger.  Which song I actually don't find nostalgia-inducing at all, because its about how Bob's high school experience was all about driving around in his car and having sex with women, while JJ's high school experience involved pretty much all walking and awkward-soul-crushing-if a third party were to observe they would cringe-interaction with the opposite sex. 

Oh, but this song!  Takes me right back to childhood!  Time spent with family!  And what in particular?  Well, surprise surprise, something to do with strawberries.  Although not swings.

You ever go to one of these pick your own berry places?  I haven't in years. But when I was a young pup, My parents would gather the three of us up and head...North?...Maybe?...No idea, really.  Somewhere outside the city, anyways.

Sledding!

Hi Internet!  Sorry I've been out of touch!  Internet issues!  All solved now!  Thanks to Rogers! (Not thanks to Rogers.)

Ok! I didn't take this pic and its totally not Toronto but its so nice! Am I right? I'm right.

Well, a couple of Sundays ago was a beautiful day here in Hogtown.

Snow on the ground, sun in the sky. 

Lets go sledding!  Who wants to go? "Me dad!" "Me dad!"

Ok, lets go! "Come on, mama!"

A great hill just to the North of us.  Throw sleds in car and head over.  Boys so excited.  Good times!

The Gabe is first to go down.  Good run!  Phew! I was kind of nervous! Why, you might ask?

Well, when JJ was still just a young pup (i.e. 26 ish) he went "night skiing" with then girlfriend, Roxy.  What's night skiing?  Well, I guess I don't rightly know generally, but what it was this night was Roxane's friend's boyfriend's employer renting this ski hill for the evening.  There was no bar, but you could bring your own alcohol and drink it in the...chalet?...clubhouse?...whatever that building where you sit in is called. I am not much of a skier. ( no duh!)  Can you still do that these days?  I dunno.  In retrospect sounds a little liability inducing.  But that's the way they rolled!

And where is this ski hill?  Well, it's a little North of the 'Peg. "Springhill!"  I am not sure, but I think its like on a dried up riverbed? So the ski "hill" is actually just the slope down to a once existent river.  The ski lift?  It's actually a tow rope.  You just grab it and it pulls you up the hill.  So not exactly Blackcomb.   Not that I am complaining! I had never skied before!  And it was nighttime!  And we were drinking! We don't need to ski K2 here!

OK. Stage set.  We arrive and rent our skis.  The dude behind the counter asks us if we are novices. Yes we are.  "Ok, then I am going to recommend that you don't take poles, because it's easier as a beginner to ski without them." I have no idea whether this is true, it's just what the dude said.  Who am I, Steve Podborski?

Got our skis, no poles needed - let's hit the mountain!

There we are, the four of us.  Roxane, me, and her friend and boyfriend.  But who will go first?  Roxy, as was (doubtless still is) her nature says "I'll go first!"

She heads down the hill....  Look.  JJ doesn't know much about downhill skiing.  Virtually nothing, really.  But one thing JJ does know?  You don't go straight down the hill.  You gotta criss cross.  Roxane?  No criss cross.  Have you ever seen that "speed skiing" sport?  Where they head straight down the hill, trying to go as fast as possible?  Well, I hadn't at the time, but when I later did, I said to myself : "I have seen this before."

Roxane is heading straight down the hill.  Flying down the hill.  Am amazed at how fast!  Gets to the bottom of the hill.... You know those movies where an asteroid hits the earth? Well, same thing.  SKA-DOOSH!!!! Can't even see her. Completely obscured by a massive cloud of snow.  The three of us still at the top pull our eyes from the carnage to look at each other wide-eyed, then hurry down the hill.  Cautiously.  Criss cross!

"Roxane! Are you ok?" 

"Yes, I am fine!  Just a good wipe out!"  Phew.  That's lucky!  Let's head over to the tow rope and go again!

We are making our way towards the tow rope, when Roxane turns to me and says "oh, wait, I have to go back, I forgot my poles."

"Honey, we didn't get poles remember? Because we're beginners?"

"Oh, right, right."

Ok.  No problem.  Get to the top of the hill.  "Has anyone seen my poles?"

"Honey, we didn't get poles remember? Because we're beginners?"

"Oh, right, of course.  But where are my poles? And why does my shoulder hurt so much?"  Huh boy, this ain't good. 

"Hon, why don't we maybe head over to the chalet for a little bit?"

Now, by now, Internet, you have probably figured out what was going on.  Yes, she was concussed.  And had a sprained shoulder.  But don't worry! We did everything properly.  By which I mean we continued to drink and ski for the next couple of hours, then went home and went to bed.  Textbook treatment, really.

Anyways, the point is, the first trip down the hill can be treacherous!

Back to now!

Look Momma! No tears! Yet!

Gabe is at the bottom of the hill, staring up at us.  Now it's momma and E-man's turn on the two person inflatable double innertube-y thing we bought last year but didn't get a chance to use. 

Push off and start sliding! So much fun! The tube turns sideways. Like some sort of bizarre gravitational pull, the sled starts to alter course.  Directly towards the Gabe. 

Up at the top of the hill, time slows down to a crawl, the sled is moving in slow-motion.
"Gabriel! Get out of the way! Move!"

The Gabe:

"Momma! Steer or something!"

Momma:

SKA-DOOSH!

Note: Not a picture of the actual collision.  Artist's rendering.

I initially thought I saw skulls colliding.  Back to concussion city!  Sprint down the hill to survey the carnage.  But no! Everyone still conscious!  Only a slightly bleeding nose for the Gabe.  Plus tears.  And strained hand ligaments for momma with a hand that is about twice the size as it is normally.  E-man?  "Let's go again! Let's go again!"

But everyone recovers! Let's keep going!  The inflatable makes it down about two more times before mysteriously puncturing itself and completely deflating.  I blame Loblaws. 

So we have to share a sled.  "But it's my turn! Wahhhh!"

E-man: "Cheese!" G-man: "I wish you would get off my sled, E-man."

Then E-man's leg's get tired. "Carry me up the hill!!" 

"Oh, you're tired?  Well, maybe we should go."

 "But I don't wannnnaaaa goooooo.....!!!  Wahhhh!!!"

Later, after we drag them away: "So.  Did you guys have a good time sledding?"

"Yeah dad. That was the best time ever! When can we do it again!?"