Thursday, 4 April 2013

Ottawa - Toronto...With the "back" and the "forth"...and all of these types of things... Part I - Plane!

Brrrrrrrrommmmmm!!! (that's the sound the engines make!)

Hi!  I’m back!  How you guy(s) been? No taking wooden nickels, I hope!  I understand it’s a common issue these days!

Anyhoo, as I write this (this part anyways…), I am on a train hurtling towards Toronto.  Ok, maybe “hurtling” is a bit strong.  “Cruising”?  That’s probably better.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, once it really gets going, it can go at a pretty good pace, but there’s a lot of spots along the way where you slow right down.  I don’t even know why.  I can only assume. Cows on the track?  Train Robbery? (Cool!) Could be.  I just don’t know. 

Anyways, as you know, if you been keeping up, ‘ole JJ has been working in Ottawa for the last couple of months-ish.  But them young lads and the running partner (hi sweetie!) are in Toronto!  So on most weekends, I have been bopping along back to Hogtown.  But how, you ask?  “didn’ I drive or didn’ I flew?” (SCTV!)  Well, not a lot of driving, that is true.  Which is fine!  In Ottawa I don’t need no stinkin’ car!  I live in the market! I am like Al Waxman, in that mother effer! And in TO I have been relying on the kindness of the running partner…

So if not driving…how? Well, I have been taking the plane, where I can, and otherwise…the train.  Every weekend for two plus months?  That’s a lot of train and a lot of plane., you say? I agree! 

And guess what? Yep, JJ’s got some thoughts on each one!

This entry - PLANE!

When I have flown, I have flown “Porter” each time.  Have you guys ever flown Porter?  If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you.  As far as I am concerned, Air Canada and even Westjet can go suck an egg.  Why?  The “Island Airport”.  Do you know what it costs to take a cab to or from Pearson airport in Toronto?  $50-60 bucks.  And it takes like 40 minutes!  The island airport? 10 minutes!  And you get to take a ferry! Quaint!  Plus! Have you been to Pearson?  Has there ever been a more soulless airport?  Massive.  You have to walk ten minutes so you can wait 40 minutes for your checked bags.  Oh, you would like a luggage cart?  Pay up.  Oh, you would like to use our wi-fi? Pay up.  Oh, you would like to eat at a terrible restaurant? Pay up.  It’s no wonder the line to Tim Horton’s is always about 100 people long.  Just people trying not to get fleeced.  Eat a dick, Pearson! And not in the good way!  Ha ha! I guess that probably means non-consensually. Ugh, gonna get myself in trouble here. For the record I am anti-sexual assault! 

The island airport is so much better!  Free wi-fi! Even the name! “Billy Bishop Airport”! The greatest warplane pilot Canada has ever had!  Rumour has it Hitler decided to end it all because Billy mailed him a letter saying that Billy and his Biplane were coming out of retirement and that he was coming for him!  And what did Pearson ever do?  Just kidding. Pearson was a badass in a bowtie.  He deserves better than such a crappy airport!

And free soft drinks –juice and bottled water!  Free little cookies or chips or almonds!  Although I have to say what drives me nuts is seeing people grab a bunch of this stuff because they are going to save it for later.  Then these idiots are going to complain when they stop offering this stuff for free.  Fucking pigs.  Spoiling it for the rest of us. Their time will come…oh yes…their time will come… ha! Just kidding!  I’m no Unabomber!  Please, continue to wreck it for the rest of us!

See? Not me!

[Aside! - I was singing the praises of the island airport to someone at my favourite Ottawa airport pub and she starts telling me how great Pearson is. "Its so big... and new...and shiny..." Turns out she was from some small community outside of Toronto.  And I was all like:  "You suburbanites.  You are so modernist..."  It was a pretty sweet burn. ]

And on the plane?  Porter uses real glass for what they give you to drink!  And! They give you a beer or a glass of wine!  That you don’t have to pay more for!  Decadent! High roller!

Plus it takes less than an hour, which is pretty dang sweet.  Although the flight being so short has also let me take the plane in from Toronto on Monday morning from time to time.  Which is really good.  An extra night! And I get off the plane and hop on a bus that drops me off right outside of work! Blammo!

But the plane leaves at 6:45 am.  So I gotta get up at like 5:30.  Which was no big deal the first couple of times.  But the last couple?  Yikes.  Ugh.  Double ugh.  And its the first flight of the day so it seems like there is always some kind of issue with getting us off on time, but which arises after we are in the plane. I dunno. Its not that bad.  But when I feel so effing tired, it feels bad.

That’s probably all for my plane thoughts. 

Except for….the whole electronics thing.  Sheesh.  Turn off this!  Turn off that!  If you don’t, the plane is gonna crash!  You know when I lost faith in that stuff?  Right around the time I looked back at the flight attendant strapped in for landing…playing on his iphone!!!!!

Which led me to believe that flight attendants weren’t that worried about it.  So I continue to read my ibook (Winter is coming! Right?).  At which point the flight attendant asks me to shut my phone off.  So I say “ok” and I lock it.  And she watches the whole thing (busted) and tells me, that “yeah,  she’s going to need me to turn it off.”  So I do, as she watches.  Way to make me feel five years old, Porter flight attendant!  Boo!  I may never fly Porter again!  Or at least hold my breath until I turn blue!  Then how would you feel!?  Just kidding.  I still love you, Porter.  Come away from the window and come back to bed, Porter… don’t be mad… It’s warm in here…

And then the last time I took it, they said over the loudspeaker “put your phone on airplane mode…and turn off all electronic devices.”  But but but…isn’t my phone an electronic device…? So confused…

Ummmmm... ok.  I think that's it.  JJ out! 

Next time...Train!

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