Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Movie Review: Green Lantern!

Alright.  Probably not a “formal” review.  Maybe more of a synopsis?  

Anyways…here we go!

Hal Something-or-Other!  Played by Ryan Reynolds!  He’s a fighter pilot!  Brash!  Cocky! Positively Cruisian! (As in Tom Cruise!) He plays by his own rules! No matter what anyone says!

Then some alien dude crashes a spaceship on the ocean shore and this green blip goes and searches and “chooses” Hal.  That alien guy was dying and he was a “Green Lantern”! An intergalactic group of soldiers that protect the galaxy. Or maybe universe? Whatever.  Anyhoo, it chooses Hal to replace the alien guy as a Green Lantern!  So he fucks around with the ring for a while, and then he is transported to the Green Lantern base! Where he gets training!  To use his ring of power.  Which is controlled by “will”.  Like not a guy named “will”’ but your intention to do something “will”.  And then he meets fellow Lantern Sinestro! Who’s a big jerk to him! “You humans are too young, you suck, you shouldn’t be Green Lanterns, blah blah blah.” Stupid Sinestro! I hope Hal shows him, and then he totally respects Hal and all humans!  If only it could happen!

Now, apparently this band of extra-terrestrial coppers is led by a small group of super-intelligent, super-ancient beings.  You can tell they are smart because their heads are really big.  And these guys apparently stand around this circle all day and I guess just think about stuff. 

And there is a new threat to the galaxy (universe?)!  It’s this monster guy who was one of the smart beings but then went bad or something.  And instead of will, its' power comes from “fear”.  Like not the punk band “fear”, or even the Mark Wahlberg movie “fear” but “ohhhh, I’m scared, “fear”.  And he kinda looks like a great big blob.  I don’t know why he looks that way, he just does. 

So Sinestro is all “Hey, Bigheads! Let me take a team of Lanterns to go fight this guy!”

And the super smart guys are like “Okay”.

So Sinestro goes with his Lanterns and they all get their asses kicked by the blob guy.  So Sinestro comes back and says “Hey, Bigheads! That didn’t work! So now I want to go make, instead of a “will” ring, a “fear” ring.  This is the only way to defeat this blob thing!”

And the super smart guys are like “Okay, the ring of fear is in.  Full steam ahead.”

Sinestro goes off to make this new ring.  But then Hal learns a valuable lesson about why he is afraid or something so he goes to the ring of super smart guys and says “No! You can’t use that ring of fear.  It won’t work!”

And the super smart guys are like “Okay, the ring of fear is out.  All stop on the ring of fear.”

WTF, right? The smartest guys in the universe and all they do is agree with anything they are told!  Maybe they are super smart but super insecure so they are are just telling these guys what they want to hear?  Or maybe they are so smart that all it has done is allow them to realize there is still tons of shit they don’t know, so they are paralyzed with indecision?  Or maybe they just used prosthetics to make their heads look really big and they are actually dumb?  I don’t know. I am just telling you guys what happened.

Anyways, I won’t spoil the end of the movie for you.  You will have to see it if you want to know if Hal figures some way to defeat this big fear blob and earn Sinestro’s respect and save Earth and the galaxy (universe?).

Rating: Three Mehs.

JJ out!

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